I'm leaving in a hot air balloon

I want to just leave.

Do I even need to pack up?

I'm so sick of doing these. I'm sick of getting upset time and time again. I'm tired of how people take turns to do the pro stuff to me. Unbelievably thanks.

I have enough upsetting without others doing it to me. I just want to be alone where nobody can ever play with my feelings, making it go up when they want to and just dump it when they like it.

Why do I even try so hard for all of you if you all don't even try for me. Why do I even try so hard to become the perfect daughter, the perfect sister and perfect gf when you all just make the same mistakes over and over again.

God. Sometimes I REALLY HATE ALL OF YOU.

There. I've said it.

You all make me so fucked up crazy.

Sorry is so easy to say, so difficult to do.

It's too easy to give away love and too difficult to even like a person. I can't think of a single person I truly like.

I hate the expression nobody is perfect. That's true. But it doesn't hinder some people to keep trying isn't it? Its the effort you give, not what you already are that matters.

Isn't it easy for me to just stop trying. I can be the total bitch who hangs out all night till the wee hours of the morning, drinking and clubbing with my multiple hot bfs. I don't have to work. I don't have to help out. I can just have fun. Its time that I tell everybody, Fuck I DO have other options. I can do better than put up with your bullshit.

I hate people. I'm moving to another planet.

I hate emo blogs

I also hate the fact that I'm obviously overworked (and underpaid if you take that factor into consideration). I hate the fact that I'm doing 2 1/2 people's job. One left and as for the other, well... bosses say she's too slow so I got to help her out.

Helloooo? I'm already doing 2 people's work alr. I rush through my work so quickly every single day that I only have time to breathe properly on the freaking toilet bowl. And I've to do half of someone's work who gets almost 1000 bucks more than me because "she's too slow and too inefficient and careless??"

I DO enjoy my work. And I feel happy and honoured that people take notice and tell me they're confident that I can do it. But PLEASE. I'm no superman.

I have too much in my head these few days but do not have even have time to acknowledge the emotions that come along with it. Work stinks. Money stinks. shit. People always say chinese families see money as the thing that make them happy. That is wrong. Money allows chinese family to be satisfied enough to move onto the next square.

Anyway, these few days of rushing work made me forget anyway that I'm a female. Until today anyway. When I made a mistake at work (which kinda turned out to be a blessing in disguise) and hearing a thanks voice telling my boss "yeah last time when i saw it i also was wondering why its so low." not once but fucking twice. I was too worried and thinking of alternatives to get mad. But after the matter was resolved, I felt so angry! Fuck you. You took the ENTIRE DAY to do a thing I can complete in 2 hrs. You made me do half of your work for you every single day. What the fucking hell are u trying to do?

I was so angry that I am filled with self-pity that should have came a few days back. I feel so fucking mad that I do so much work for other people and when I screw up, some fucking person got to be that fucking FUCK ( I must admit I can't think of what word to use over here). I feel so fucking mad that I can never save any money for myself ever and might never even get the money to get into uni. And I feel so fucking mad at the family storm that IS here and will be in full blown scale in a few months time. I wanted to call suf but I knew that if I did then I'll just be too overwhelmed by self-pity and start bawling like the poor kitten I was trying to steal from its mother for suf. So I rejected the chance to get some comfort.

No fucking way anybody is going to catch me bawling in the office.

No fucking way I'm going to allow bimbos to get under my skin.

I'm not that pro. But at least I know (unbashfully) that I'm the most pro asset in my company and I've learnt so much more in my 2 months over here than any 2 months of my life.

Yep. That makes me feel better.

Too pro!

I think men are the curse of my family.

When we finally think that all problems including financial problems are over, and I'm busy planning about what I should do with my riches, things just have to happen again.

I don't think I'll ever be rich. I can't even protect what should be mine. Maybe cos it wasn't mine in the first place. But this time round, i really wish that I get to have the chance to forgo what should have been for what should happen.

Yabba yabba doo da.

Dear SMU, please give me a school grant k? =( Fuck. I need to get that 1400/1600 more than ever now.

is it right to prove everybody wrong?

This have been bugging me for the past week. Something that I don't want to admit for quite some time.

I'm obsessed with proving everybody wrong.

I refuse to pick up any damn frying pan unless I'm straving and alone so that nobody can see me ever since my secondary school teacher told us that "when you all get married, you have to cook for your husband". I never studied and dropped out of JC 2 days before the promos because that's the only expectation my mom had for me at that time. Well, there's also the question of a broken promise about the school fees, but that's besides the point. I know I could have done well if I bothered to study. I didn't even study for my damn O levels AT ALL and well. I'm so obsessed about the way girls should behave that I go out all the way to be the total opposite. I'm so obsessed about that I should not become a good wife and a bad mom that I can almost swear to make my future husband's life a living hell. Everybody around me wants me to break in and become exactly like them in terms of religion, pop culture, character and habits and I even made myself stick out like a sore thumb (quite unfortunately).

This method have served me quite well I must admit. I have no role model - only role models of what NOT to be and I DID turn out quite decent.

But it is only recently that I realised that I tipped the scales too much. I am only concerned about proving others wrong that it becomes what I want, whether it is or not I really want.

I really hate to admit this especially when I'm still in the midst of proving people wrong. I have to retrace my steps on the path that I've fled to.

bah....

it seems that i'm in a bad mood everyday.
the only difference is how long it last.

i made a promise to myself that i will not be pissed off anymore after working hours.
and i plan to keep to that.

people are fucking selfish.
they make others feel damn horrible inside to feel good abt themselves.

they blame you even though u want to do things but let off others who made you do whatever you did.

they think that their own social status is so much higher than you cos they have a bloody slang and millions of guy hounds after them. and make sure u don't forget that.

hey.. say whatever you want. as long as its after office hours, "amanda being pissed off" is off duty. and i'll try to. no matter how "DUH" or stupid their actions or behaviours are.

no matter what you do (nice or mean actions), you'll become the bad guy. So i'll just answer to myself. i have already done something nice. and you have done nothing back. so don't blame me anymore. btw, that sentence is meant for me. people can bitch all they want to each other and when it reaches my ears by somebody whom told me not to me nice to them and yet is treated with much more prestige, all i can say is THANKS YOU GODDAMN FUCKERS. That was what i said during office hours. Now is the night. Time to relax, chill and tell those fucking heads to kiss my fucking ass.

This is the first time i truly want to confront some people. Confront them cos my conscience is clear but i can't because "i'm not supposed to know and they'll know". Fuck everything. I take back my words that knocking their heads is too light a punishment that i must knock their heads against the corners. They deserve to be slashed. Slashed with metal hooks and hung like pork. Yeah i said it. HUNG LIKE PORK YOU GODDAMN RACIST ANTI CHINESE FREAKS. i'll be the bad guy. Just like how i am to everybody anyway. Nobody will notice the difference.

BAH TO THE FUCKERS.

Gollum Rules

fuck everything says:
i feel fucked up
Gollum says:
你好
Gollum says:
how come?
fuck everything says:
i can't read tat la..
fuck everything says:
just too fucked up la
fuck everything says:
now i'm not supposed to accept a job cos i might need to go malaysia
fuck everything says:
and my family tinks i'll get killed over there during my errands
Gollum says:
what is errands?
fuck everything says:
those minor trips to get goods and stuff
Gollum says:
go to work lah
fuck everything says:
i feel so damn fucked up
fuck everything says:
i am not allowed to travel
fuck everything says:
i dun even have a fucking passport
fuck everything says:
they hate my malay bf
fuck everything says:
i can't get a fucking job
Gollum says:
for what?
fuck everything says:
just fuck la
fuck everything says:
just CANNOT
Gollum says:
why not allowed?
fuck everything says:
cannot this cannot tat
fuck everything says:
not allowed to travel?
Gollum says:
who are they
fuck everything says:
family la
fuck everything says:
everything i do is damn wrong
Gollum says:
then go and work la
fuck everything says:
i want to!
fuck everything says:
but now they dun let me to!
Gollum says:
then do what?
fuck everything says:
i dunno
fuck everything says:
probably want me to be like my mom and sis
fuck everything says:
stay home all day watch tv from morning till night
fuck everything says:
fuck la
fuck everything says:
i dun want to be like tat faipang!
fuck everything says:
getting a job really means alot to me
fuck everything says:
i have been so restricted tat i really want myself to be independent for something
fuck everything says:
there's not enough money in the family
Gollum says:
after you graduate first then find job
fuck everything says:
easy solution get a job
fuck everything says:
and now cannot
fuck everything says:
yea i got job offer alr
fuck everything says:
but they dun want
fuck everything says:
they want those broing 8 to 5 job
fuck everything says:
stable low pay boring shit
fuck everything says:
i dun want to be like them
fuck everything says:
all day hate their jobs
Gollum says:
just go ahead and work lah
Gollum says:
dont care abt then
Gollum says:
them
fuck everything says:
ya easy to say dun care right
Gollum says:
depends on yourself
fuck everything says:
then how
fuck everything says:
move out?
fuck everything says:
haha..
Gollum says:
see you wanna dash through or not
Gollum says:
you need not move out
Gollum says:
just carry on
Gollum says:
they wont chase you out of the house
fuck everything says:
but i dunno how long i can last..
fuck everything says:
all these disapproving arguments
fuck everything says:
bf, work la..
Gollum says:
stop the arugent
fuck everything says:
i dun argue man
fuck everything says:
i give up alr
Gollum says:
then dont care
fuck everything says:
for the bf shit la
Gollum says:
break through
Gollum says:
just do
Gollum says:
coz your family is too traditional
Gollum says:
hehe
fuck everything says:
y u sound so girly today
fuck everything says:
and sound so nike-ish
Gollum says:
coz hehe typed in chinese is 呵呵
fuck everything says:
ee u sound gay
fuck everything says:
luckily i found tat website for u
fuck everything says:
remember to join
Gollum says:
for you
Gollum says:
trans
Gollum says:
haha
fuck everything says:
ya good website
fuck everything says:
i'm recommending to everybody
fuck everything says:
how was the exam
Gollum says:
difficult
Gollum says:
34 marks past
Gollum says:
wtf
Gollum says:
i could only understand half the paper
fuck everything says:
wah lau...
fuck everything says:
so did u pass or fail man
Gollum says:
i dont know yet
fuck everything says:
when will u know?
Gollum says:
i dont know also
Gollum says:
(J)
fuck everything says:
if study now then can subsidy right
fuck everything says:
v good chance
Gollum says:
mother subsidy
Gollum says:
haha
gollum rules says:
hahaha
gollum rules says:
luckily u nv go back hk
gollum rules says:
hhaha
gollum rules says:
stay here god
gollum rules says:
good
Gollum says:
no
Gollum says:
nonononono!
gollum rules says:
GOODGOODGOODGOODGOOD!
gollum rules says:
:):):)
Gollum says:
(J)
gollum rules says:
fp.. i left my keys in the sch office also..
gollum rules says:
if my parents find out, i'll be dead again..
Gollum says:
tmr go and take
gollum rules says:
:(
gollum rules says:
but i dunno if the offices will be open tmr
gollum rules says:
cos dun tink the pple holding onto the keys will be going to sch..
gollum rules says:
then i'll be further screwed
gollum rules says:
i'm really an asshole right :(
Gollum says:
nvm lah
Gollum says:
do another set
Gollum says:
nvm one
gollum rules says:
:( u dun understand my parents
gollum rules says:
i also tink nv mind
gollum rules says:
but they will think its a damn big deal and start screaming
Gollum says:
keep quiet frist
Gollum says:
try to get it back first
gollum rules says:
:(
gollum rules says:
i tink tmr morning wake up super early.. then faster dumplicate a set of keys
gollum rules says:
then come home before they wake up and replace
gollum rules says:
u tink can?
gollum rules says:
v scary
gollum rules says:
:(
Gollum says:
yesyes
Gollum says:
master
Gollum says:
yes
Gollum says:
stole the precious from them
Gollum says:
before the fat hobbit awakes
gollum rules says:
:D
gollum rules says:
bring them to shelob!
Gollum says:
no
Gollum says:
bring them to sauruman
gollum rules says:
cannot.. then the precious won't be theirs anymore
Gollum says:
yesyes
Gollum says:
(J)
gollum rules says:
:(
gollum rules says:
lets go out now
gollum rules says:
i need to be cheered up
Gollum says:
cheer up!
Gollum says:
cheer up now
Gollum says:
!
Gollum says:
faster!!
gollum rules says:
UPUPUPUPUPUP AND AWAY!
Gollum says:
yes
Gollum says:
yes
Gollum says:
master
Gollum says:
go and away and never back back
Gollum says:
go and away and never come back
gollum rules says:
then the eagle will come
gollum rules says:
and pick u back
Gollum says:
you
Gollum says:
pick you back
gollum rules says:
hahaha
gollum rules says:
then u can be the eagle
gollum rules says:
or gandalf
gollum rules says:
depends if u want to be a bird or an ugly old man
gollum rules says:
o wait..
gollum rules says:
depends if u want to be a bird or an ugly gay man

gollum rules says:
plus old
Gollum says:
i want to be the urak kai
gollum rules says:
ya can also
gollum rules says:
u look the part
Gollum says:
yes

:( miss u fp.. i've forgotten the way u cheer me up..

Shrug and turn away

sometimes u feel as if u're struggling to be heard, but all fails.

you seem to have lost what was promised to you and got in return a delayed promise and now it seems that the second promise have got to be broken again too.

a standard beyond "thanks".

in times when it is hip to say how cruel fate has been to you (especially when it is getting what you deserve), i refuse to conform.

i would have to face what is doled out to me and count them carefully. i'll get through somehow. i never want to struggle with bills again.

i doubt that anybody can help to build my world. so its time i get forced to take centre stage for every aspect of my life now.

Democracy - a state of majority rule. If i judge from that, i probably would have been elected unfit to live.

graduation wish? (just for the sake of having an opportunity to wish) - never give in to despair or lies that i'm not good enough. Never Ever Again.